For the first time in 35 years I have been completely alone this christmas day. I had breakfast with friends and a few phonecalls, post that nothing at all, and Im glad of it too. I quite like this bachelor thing.
However in two days I get a special delivery from Canada. Its the only gift I get this xmas, and its the only one I want...
25 December 2007
30 October 2007
bleeuurrggghhh
Im really sick.
Im sure Ive written it before.
Ive been on an doff ill for the last five weeks. Everyone says "oh its this bug that going around", ...eh I dont think so. I think a chest Xray might be a good plan and some pressure on the doctor.
Jesus, doctors here are UN-believable........... WTF? Where I come from, when your sick you go to the doctor, s/he tests you bend over say aww etc etc then asks a few questions does some more tests, then does some more asks a few more and then says ok you are sick with.... and writes you a perscription if you need one or sends you to the hosp for an xray or somewhere for something. Here, you go in, you tell them whats wrong with you and what drungs you want and then you leave and thats it.................................
I almost want to flee to canada just to go to a doctor.....
Anyway, I think I have something serious.
Im sure Ive written it before.
Ive been on an doff ill for the last five weeks. Everyone says "oh its this bug that going around", ...eh I dont think so. I think a chest Xray might be a good plan and some pressure on the doctor.
Jesus, doctors here are UN-believable........... WTF? Where I come from, when your sick you go to the doctor, s/he tests you bend over say aww etc etc then asks a few questions does some more tests, then does some more asks a few more and then says ok you are sick with.... and writes you a perscription if you need one or sends you to the hosp for an xray or somewhere for something. Here, you go in, you tell them whats wrong with you and what drungs you want and then you leave and thats it.................................
I almost want to flee to canada just to go to a doctor.....
Anyway, I think I have something serious.
20 October 2007
A moment
Welcome everybody, everybody welcome. everyone meet everyone else. Be glad to know you are all here because you are all very intelligent people in my own personal belief of what intelligence actually is on a basic street level understanding.
I decided Id spend the day in bed (Sunday), I have been very busy and sick for the last few weeks so Im on vacation in bed today with my new Radiohead album www.inrainbows.com I paid a quid for it.
Im browsing the internet like I havent done in ages looking at other peoples photography and came accross this guy http://www.chrisjordan.com/ and am fascinated by his vision. However it almost shits me now to the point that I want to turn the tables and start laying the shit on the Europeans. (even though ironically this photographer is in fact American himself, though a victim of his own short commings -this will become apparent as you read on).
its become quite the catch phrase for use to drop the open gated gesture of "In the US.." which from living here now for three years and going from the open mouthed ignorance of a audienced outsider to an informed "embed", I can honestly say is possibly the most over used and under appreciated turn of phrase currently bandied about without much regard for its actual meaning.
Im not one for religion, to me its the politicism of ones personal belief mechanism and convenient metaphore for understanding the things which are not that understandable. However, the largest policitcal institution out there -the HRE (Holy Roman Empire), (I enjoy a fully paid up membership being Irish, I dont have to subscribe every month or even year, we are endebted with lifelong memberships from birth we can get away will all kinds of stuff you pagans cant -I dont even have to go to church its great) anyway sorry for boasting, where was I, oh yes..
Not being one for religion etc, they (we) have a great book out there that if it wasnt called the Bible would probably be on the NY times best seller list indefinitely, and in it somewhere around page 368 it says 'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" which basically means people who live in glasshouses shouldnt throw stones.
It bothers me considerably that our impotent (in any real sense) guardians of moral elevated authority -the media- Im thinking specifically of non american media and within that specifically british media because every other media organisation with inclusion of al-jazeera (yes yes yes these people just love to copy the already tried true and tested formulae and drop it on its head and re-engineer if from the waist up -but they fail to realise that their signiture methodology comes from a source that is the antithesis of what they themselves represent, kind of like eating your own hands, but then agian its because of that religion stuff -again), is parrot-like in the shadow format of these two organisations. Specifically the BBC. Its that over use of the phrase "In the US" which bothers me so.
In the US, the US part of this phrase refers to a country for those of you who have forgotten. This country is not a bucolic paradigm to which it has been customarily designed through the culpapble lack of language.
America is the pretty red ribbon used to bind the segments of that beautiful whole, that whole which represents vastly more then the sum of its parts. It is a basic and complex summation of parts. It is easy for us to use a phrase to prescribe a percieved mindset which exists within a geographic location to a single fragmentalised action, a pre-structuralised subset or a specificly designed mechanism, and even easier for those of us who cannot begin to wear the livery of pre-established foundation, to throw valuable words around in a trivial frivolous inconsequential manner, specifically in this time when every syllable and inference is of the utmost of importance.
I decided Id spend the day in bed (Sunday), I have been very busy and sick for the last few weeks so Im on vacation in bed today with my new Radiohead album www.inrainbows.com I paid a quid for it.
Im browsing the internet like I havent done in ages looking at other peoples photography and came accross this guy http://www.chrisjordan.com/ and am fascinated by his vision. However it almost shits me now to the point that I want to turn the tables and start laying the shit on the Europeans. (even though ironically this photographer is in fact American himself, though a victim of his own short commings -this will become apparent as you read on).
its become quite the catch phrase for use to drop the open gated gesture of "In the US.." which from living here now for three years and going from the open mouthed ignorance of a audienced outsider to an informed "embed", I can honestly say is possibly the most over used and under appreciated turn of phrase currently bandied about without much regard for its actual meaning.
Im not one for religion, to me its the politicism of ones personal belief mechanism and convenient metaphore for understanding the things which are not that understandable. However, the largest policitcal institution out there -the HRE (Holy Roman Empire), (I enjoy a fully paid up membership being Irish, I dont have to subscribe every month or even year, we are endebted with lifelong memberships from birth we can get away will all kinds of stuff you pagans cant -I dont even have to go to church its great) anyway sorry for boasting, where was I, oh yes..
Not being one for religion etc, they (we) have a great book out there that if it wasnt called the Bible would probably be on the NY times best seller list indefinitely, and in it somewhere around page 368 it says 'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" which basically means people who live in glasshouses shouldnt throw stones.
It bothers me considerably that our impotent (in any real sense) guardians of moral elevated authority -the media- Im thinking specifically of non american media and within that specifically british media because every other media organisation with inclusion of al-jazeera (yes yes yes these people just love to copy the already tried true and tested formulae and drop it on its head and re-engineer if from the waist up -but they fail to realise that their signiture methodology comes from a source that is the antithesis of what they themselves represent, kind of like eating your own hands, but then agian its because of that religion stuff -again), is parrot-like in the shadow format of these two organisations. Specifically the BBC. Its that over use of the phrase "In the US" which bothers me so.
In the US, the US part of this phrase refers to a country for those of you who have forgotten. This country is not a bucolic paradigm to which it has been customarily designed through the culpapble lack of language.
America is the pretty red ribbon used to bind the segments of that beautiful whole, that whole which represents vastly more then the sum of its parts. It is a basic and complex summation of parts. It is easy for us to use a phrase to prescribe a percieved mindset which exists within a geographic location to a single fragmentalised action, a pre-structuralised subset or a specificly designed mechanism, and even easier for those of us who cannot begin to wear the livery of pre-established foundation, to throw valuable words around in a trivial frivolous inconsequential manner, specifically in this time when every syllable and inference is of the utmost of importance.
08 October 2007
head in a vice
Probably the most stressfull week of recent times. This past month has been tumultuous to say the least. Feels like saturns return.
My dad wants me to go back to Ireland to help him move. I dont have the time or the money to do that, so I risk losing my entire back catalog of negatives.
I got a lung infection and missed a week of work so my pay check will be horrendous.
I am in the midst of my immigration review, and recently learned that the level of paperwork needed to make the review work properly as a joint venture between me and my estranged wife, just isnt there, so I now have to get a divorce initiated within the next five days. The cost of which is undesireable considering I have a number of small debts to pay off. I also have to get my I-751 form and paperwork in and pay $200 for the luxury of that, within five days or I will be faced with immediate deportation proceedings -that actually means the deportation is immediate, no chance to sell off and pack up. Though there is chance to appeal but from afar -after you have left the country........ I am asking all that know me to write me character references, -it amazes me, the people who i would consider friends havent bothered to do it and the people I consider colleagues have been on it from the moment I asked.
Yeah, a vacation would be really great.
My dad wants me to go back to Ireland to help him move. I dont have the time or the money to do that, so I risk losing my entire back catalog of negatives.
I got a lung infection and missed a week of work so my pay check will be horrendous.
I am in the midst of my immigration review, and recently learned that the level of paperwork needed to make the review work properly as a joint venture between me and my estranged wife, just isnt there, so I now have to get a divorce initiated within the next five days. The cost of which is undesireable considering I have a number of small debts to pay off. I also have to get my I-751 form and paperwork in and pay $200 for the luxury of that, within five days or I will be faced with immediate deportation proceedings -that actually means the deportation is immediate, no chance to sell off and pack up. Though there is chance to appeal but from afar -after you have left the country........ I am asking all that know me to write me character references, -it amazes me, the people who i would consider friends havent bothered to do it and the people I consider colleagues have been on it from the moment I asked.
Yeah, a vacation would be really great.
30 September 2007
Im so scared
I am a ruin right now.
Im in a terrible mental place.
Its a fulcrum point, Ive had one before like this that I can remember comming out of but not being in. Very turbulent times.
I just started crying. All this bad energy flowing out of me, like rain.
I am scared. I am confused. I am lonely.
I feel as though something has been building for some time now.
The lonliness is too much.
Im tortured. I met a woman, or she met me, wrote me and we talked, something happened, emotions connections something amazing, something I want to cherish. She told me she is ill permanently. She will have a long life but a little shorter then most. It didnt bother me because it strengthened the connection, I want her more. When I was 21 I had a connection with someone who died the same way. I had nearly forgotten about it (not him), that rush of emotion came to me today.
I dont know if I want to do this again. But I feel as though its my destiny, like I have little choice. Turn your back on your attraction, to her, to the life she has to live on her own, or with someone else, someone who might be good for her or someone who might not. She wants a child, Ive said to myself someday I would love to have a child but Im not ready. But the thoughts of it have been intesly running through my head. I never think about a cild being a shared responsibility between two people. My life is wrong, its off track, I need more then what I am doing now, I thought I would be on point in life in a different position, I feel a calling in another direction.
Im 4 years into my second life and I feel that I am running out of time. Like sitting on the back seat of the bus as its driving into a wall at 100 miles an hour, the back seat is the denial of responsibility, and the bus is the life I feel I have no control of. You see out the windows these are memories, the only window which is not a memory is the front window, the bus hits, and you are catapulted from the back seat through the front window...
I have had no connections with anyone here, its so cold. I dont understand people here. Maybe its just Seattle, maybe its more. I would have said maybe its me but then this woman happened and now I now that its not. This woman is the first intense connection, Ive made in years. I feel as though Americans have dispatched with something original and something in their core makeup. I feel that there is no feeling. All feeling is suppressed, replaced by a clinicalness or example. I fell in love with my estranged wife and then I watched as she moved further and further away from me. Add to the lack of feeling the possibility of problems.
I have growing pressures on me, my father is 79 and is growing weaker as time goes by, he keeps requesting I go back and help him. I wanted my return to be one of choice and a happy one. I wanted it on my terms. I want to leave Seattle and try somwhere else, maybe SanFrancisco. I have a review with immigration, a big deal, ultimatley they may tell me that I cannot stay in the US because my estranged wife and I are nolonger a viable couple -through no fault of my own I might add, maybe I didnt work hard enough at it, but then again, I think I did, then I just got bored when nothing was returned and a year later she figiured it out and instead of trying to repair it she. Anyway, I might have to dump my life here, and leave, Id like to travel, but then again Id like to go to this woman, hold her in my arms, accept her and make my life with her. Travel with her, be with her. But Im not sure I want to settle yet, Im not sure I dont want to either, when I look at my alternatives, specifically my alternative and how I am my nature and what I want my future to be and what it will actually be, these are factors I consider to be alternatives in my world.
I thank my parents for the great overwhelming self confidence I do not have. I thank my mother for putting me in boarding school when I was 14 because she was fulfilling an obligation and not interested in raising a child in her 40s. Something I didnt know affected me, but realised it recently.
Im in a terrible mental place.
Its a fulcrum point, Ive had one before like this that I can remember comming out of but not being in. Very turbulent times.
I just started crying. All this bad energy flowing out of me, like rain.
I am scared. I am confused. I am lonely.
I feel as though something has been building for some time now.
The lonliness is too much.
Im tortured. I met a woman, or she met me, wrote me and we talked, something happened, emotions connections something amazing, something I want to cherish. She told me she is ill permanently. She will have a long life but a little shorter then most. It didnt bother me because it strengthened the connection, I want her more. When I was 21 I had a connection with someone who died the same way. I had nearly forgotten about it (not him), that rush of emotion came to me today.
I dont know if I want to do this again. But I feel as though its my destiny, like I have little choice. Turn your back on your attraction, to her, to the life she has to live on her own, or with someone else, someone who might be good for her or someone who might not. She wants a child, Ive said to myself someday I would love to have a child but Im not ready. But the thoughts of it have been intesly running through my head. I never think about a cild being a shared responsibility between two people. My life is wrong, its off track, I need more then what I am doing now, I thought I would be on point in life in a different position, I feel a calling in another direction.
Im 4 years into my second life and I feel that I am running out of time. Like sitting on the back seat of the bus as its driving into a wall at 100 miles an hour, the back seat is the denial of responsibility, and the bus is the life I feel I have no control of. You see out the windows these are memories, the only window which is not a memory is the front window, the bus hits, and you are catapulted from the back seat through the front window...
I have had no connections with anyone here, its so cold. I dont understand people here. Maybe its just Seattle, maybe its more. I would have said maybe its me but then this woman happened and now I now that its not. This woman is the first intense connection, Ive made in years. I feel as though Americans have dispatched with something original and something in their core makeup. I feel that there is no feeling. All feeling is suppressed, replaced by a clinicalness or example. I fell in love with my estranged wife and then I watched as she moved further and further away from me. Add to the lack of feeling the possibility of problems.
I have growing pressures on me, my father is 79 and is growing weaker as time goes by, he keeps requesting I go back and help him. I wanted my return to be one of choice and a happy one. I wanted it on my terms. I want to leave Seattle and try somwhere else, maybe SanFrancisco. I have a review with immigration, a big deal, ultimatley they may tell me that I cannot stay in the US because my estranged wife and I are nolonger a viable couple -through no fault of my own I might add, maybe I didnt work hard enough at it, but then again, I think I did, then I just got bored when nothing was returned and a year later she figiured it out and instead of trying to repair it she. Anyway, I might have to dump my life here, and leave, Id like to travel, but then again Id like to go to this woman, hold her in my arms, accept her and make my life with her. Travel with her, be with her. But Im not sure I want to settle yet, Im not sure I dont want to either, when I look at my alternatives, specifically my alternative and how I am my nature and what I want my future to be and what it will actually be, these are factors I consider to be alternatives in my world.
I thank my parents for the great overwhelming self confidence I do not have. I thank my mother for putting me in boarding school when I was 14 because she was fulfilling an obligation and not interested in raising a child in her 40s. Something I didnt know affected me, but realised it recently.
17 September 2007
Accumilation and conspiracy
Some things have happened in the last week or ten days which are homogenising new possibilities.
I think I am aproaching a crossroads in my life, I can feel a change comming on, a significant one. Certainly significant for the current time, if its not a milestone in my life.
The chances of meeting someone from a time long gone haphazardly, is rare, however it happened. A man walked into my store, and I knew him, from another life, one I left behind a decade ago, and within that I had dispenced with that life and moved on, so the chances of meeting someone from those times, unsolicited are even more rare.
That encounter was electrifiying.
Then a few days later another man walked into my store and I instantly recognised myself in this man and saw a glimps of what I might be like as a human in twenty years from now. Whatever about electrifiying, my encounter with the second man (we shall call him D), and subsequent trip to the pub and a few telephone conversations later, quite lieterally re-plugged me into the wall socket.
It feels as though Ive been pricked with a pin and startled myself out of some kind of slumber. Something magical has happened.
I have an immigration review comming up in a few weeks, it will tell me whether or not I can stay in the US. I have been fearing and dreading this for two years. And just before it happens some amazing things are comming into alignment. Like some magnetic force is drawing my life into its path or my life is drawing collusions and vortices together is some manner I can yet not fathom.
Meeting with D, talking with him and getting his perspective (and his twenty year jump on my life in America), has been fascinating and utterly mind-blowing experience.
I will spend the day with him soon and leave the city for the first time in two years.
I feel as though I might be leaving Seattle, maybe to live in another city or maybe because I have to leave the country. I dont want to leave the country, but if it has to be then it will be, and I will move on and go somewhere else. Otherwise id like to try a bigger city.
I met a girl online accidentally actually, and she has been pervading my thoughts. I will probably never meet her, but our brief conversations are refreshing and fun. Its another facet in the forming of whatever is comming.
I think I am aproaching a crossroads in my life, I can feel a change comming on, a significant one. Certainly significant for the current time, if its not a milestone in my life.
The chances of meeting someone from a time long gone haphazardly, is rare, however it happened. A man walked into my store, and I knew him, from another life, one I left behind a decade ago, and within that I had dispenced with that life and moved on, so the chances of meeting someone from those times, unsolicited are even more rare.
That encounter was electrifiying.
Then a few days later another man walked into my store and I instantly recognised myself in this man and saw a glimps of what I might be like as a human in twenty years from now. Whatever about electrifiying, my encounter with the second man (we shall call him D), and subsequent trip to the pub and a few telephone conversations later, quite lieterally re-plugged me into the wall socket.
It feels as though Ive been pricked with a pin and startled myself out of some kind of slumber. Something magical has happened.
I have an immigration review comming up in a few weeks, it will tell me whether or not I can stay in the US. I have been fearing and dreading this for two years. And just before it happens some amazing things are comming into alignment. Like some magnetic force is drawing my life into its path or my life is drawing collusions and vortices together is some manner I can yet not fathom.
Meeting with D, talking with him and getting his perspective (and his twenty year jump on my life in America), has been fascinating and utterly mind-blowing experience.
I will spend the day with him soon and leave the city for the first time in two years.
I feel as though I might be leaving Seattle, maybe to live in another city or maybe because I have to leave the country. I dont want to leave the country, but if it has to be then it will be, and I will move on and go somewhere else. Otherwise id like to try a bigger city.
I met a girl online accidentally actually, and she has been pervading my thoughts. I will probably never meet her, but our brief conversations are refreshing and fun. Its another facet in the forming of whatever is comming.
06 May 2007
Music
Recently I had to jack the Ipod from the computer for one reason or another, and generally thats fine, until you get used to jacking it and eventually the jack fails and your computer says '...eh hey you just disconnected something and now all your files are gone...' and you check to find that yes they are all now completely inaccessable. So thats how I lost about 75% of my mp3s recenly. I thought Id had all of my music backed up somewhere else as an archived library, but am now two months in on the other side and I just know that Ive lost a whole lot more then I originally thought...
WOOPS
However, like the song says "what you leave behind you dont miss anyway", which is for the most part true. I fond myself tuning in to other sounds now. I picked up a lot of influence travelling which I got really into when travelling but now that Im residing again those musical interestes have faded and new sounds have by some kind of osmosis filtered through and take center stage. I do occasionally notice things missing and forget what it was I was looking for.
I have a subscription to eMusic and have aquired a vast amount of music from then, hundreds of albums and tracks. I am a little lazy with it however as I tend to download music that I once had on various past formats and dont have with me now, thish style of music grazing doesnt lend itself to finding new sounds.
As late teens early twenties kids we didnt have the best of dristribution in Ireland so periodical trips to London to aquire new music were needed. I would spend entire days wandering the streets of London in search for new stuff, from one shop to another discovering the best shops and underground sound holes for the most cutting edge or rare stuff I could imagine. Plus the fact that an Irish pound stretched much further then an English one so stuff appeared cheaper and gnerally it was because demand was higher.
Anyway Im listening to Jetone "Koenigsforst" I can only describe it as German Ambient Rolling Motion music with grandeur and thematic abtracts.
WOOPS
However, like the song says "what you leave behind you dont miss anyway", which is for the most part true. I fond myself tuning in to other sounds now. I picked up a lot of influence travelling which I got really into when travelling but now that Im residing again those musical interestes have faded and new sounds have by some kind of osmosis filtered through and take center stage. I do occasionally notice things missing and forget what it was I was looking for.
I have a subscription to eMusic and have aquired a vast amount of music from then, hundreds of albums and tracks. I am a little lazy with it however as I tend to download music that I once had on various past formats and dont have with me now, thish style of music grazing doesnt lend itself to finding new sounds.
As late teens early twenties kids we didnt have the best of dristribution in Ireland so periodical trips to London to aquire new music were needed. I would spend entire days wandering the streets of London in search for new stuff, from one shop to another discovering the best shops and underground sound holes for the most cutting edge or rare stuff I could imagine. Plus the fact that an Irish pound stretched much further then an English one so stuff appeared cheaper and gnerally it was because demand was higher.
Anyway Im listening to Jetone "Koenigsforst" I can only describe it as German Ambient Rolling Motion music with grandeur and thematic abtracts.
21 April 2007
15 April 2007
Actually...
Its back to moany. Moaning about money.
I wish those people that owe me my money would actually have the common decency to fulfil your obligations. Living on $27.32 for two weeks is no mean feat, and takes some incredable deftiness and creativity with finances. Id rather be a slob with money then a financial frontiersman right now. ...and to Starbucks - it would be so nice if your very innificient accounting staff would have the state of mind to clear credit on the day of purchase rather than two weeks (16 days actually), after the initial purchase. That way, low income people like me could actually afford to have that twenty dollar amount in their accounts and not have to look over their shoulder because the bank might hit them up with three overdraft charges for the pleasure of "loaning" you the money they then penalize you for.
Its a weird economy, you pay on "debit" (which I thought meant direct transfusion from your account to theirs), if you dont have the funds then its taken anyway -a week (or in this case two weeks) afterwards when you dont actually have those funds anymore, and the bank hits you up for the pleasure.....
if there is a revolution, Ill be the first in line for my two petrol bombs (Molotov Coctails), one for Starbucks and one for the nearest bank, hopefully itll be a Washington Mutual; the bank that smiles as they take your money.
I wish those people that owe me my money would actually have the common decency to fulfil your obligations. Living on $27.32 for two weeks is no mean feat, and takes some incredable deftiness and creativity with finances. Id rather be a slob with money then a financial frontiersman right now. ...and to Starbucks - it would be so nice if your very innificient accounting staff would have the state of mind to clear credit on the day of purchase rather than two weeks (16 days actually), after the initial purchase. That way, low income people like me could actually afford to have that twenty dollar amount in their accounts and not have to look over their shoulder because the bank might hit them up with three overdraft charges for the pleasure of "loaning" you the money they then penalize you for.
Its a weird economy, you pay on "debit" (which I thought meant direct transfusion from your account to theirs), if you dont have the funds then its taken anyway -a week (or in this case two weeks) afterwards when you dont actually have those funds anymore, and the bank hits you up for the pleasure.....
if there is a revolution, Ill be the first in line for my two petrol bombs (Molotov Coctails), one for Starbucks and one for the nearest bank, hopefully itll be a Washington Mutual; the bank that smiles as they take your money.
Again
Well I really have nothing to say, or so it seems.
My dad rings me and I think oh no I should have called him twice or thrice sine we last spoke, and then I remember that when I do get those guilty pangs and reach for the skype, I think to myself well I havent got anything to say, but the fact of the matter is that after 45 minutes of nothing to say, I guess I have run out of things to say...
My dad rings me and I think oh no I should have called him twice or thrice sine we last spoke, and then I remember that when I do get those guilty pangs and reach for the skype, I think to myself well I havent got anything to say, but the fact of the matter is that after 45 minutes of nothing to say, I guess I have run out of things to say...
21 March 2007
ART "Directors"
Im sure its an age old wrangle, between the client, the middleman and the creator.
So I moved into a new sphere today, shooting mid grade commercial work with the influence of an art director thrown into the mix for good measure. First up, the shoot was to commence at 9.30 thismorning, after I waited an hour to hear from him as he said hes call and didnt, then when I finally got him after three calls he told me that he woudlnt be there until two pm because thats the only time he could catch a ferry (...erm dont people commute to and from their full time full day of work jobs every day, which suggests that there are ferries to-ing and fro-ing earlier in the day...). He wasnt too happy when I said I didnt have a laptop so that he could not see what I was shooting, 'no I dont have a laptop' -well are you confident enough to shoot perfectly? 'yes, absolutely'.... I dont like to have my work poked at whilst Im doing it, so I dont take a laptop on the job. Regardless of whether Im shooting digitally or not, pre digital, art directors were satisfied with the quality from film and didnt have the availability of "chimping" behind the camera.
I considder myself a modern photographer with the capabilities or wifi, IR, radio remote and instant turn around, but the equipment manufacturers make these tools for situations based in a perfect world, where client, art director and photographer all sing along harmoniously, truth is they dont, all of these modern technological enhancements take away from the skill of the photographer and put it into the hands of someone who actually doesnt know what they are doing.
So I moved into a new sphere today, shooting mid grade commercial work with the influence of an art director thrown into the mix for good measure. First up, the shoot was to commence at 9.30 thismorning, after I waited an hour to hear from him as he said hes call and didnt, then when I finally got him after three calls he told me that he woudlnt be there until two pm because thats the only time he could catch a ferry (...erm dont people commute to and from their full time full day of work jobs every day, which suggests that there are ferries to-ing and fro-ing earlier in the day...). He wasnt too happy when I said I didnt have a laptop so that he could not see what I was shooting, 'no I dont have a laptop' -well are you confident enough to shoot perfectly? 'yes, absolutely'.... I dont like to have my work poked at whilst Im doing it, so I dont take a laptop on the job. Regardless of whether Im shooting digitally or not, pre digital, art directors were satisfied with the quality from film and didnt have the availability of "chimping" behind the camera.
I considder myself a modern photographer with the capabilities or wifi, IR, radio remote and instant turn around, but the equipment manufacturers make these tools for situations based in a perfect world, where client, art director and photographer all sing along harmoniously, truth is they dont, all of these modern technological enhancements take away from the skill of the photographer and put it into the hands of someone who actually doesnt know what they are doing.
13 March 2007
Time to take stock...
After the move I should have tucked my head under my wing and taken stock for a few days, time to settle in and shrug off that whole chapter, however I didnt and for the last week I have been depressed, and feeling under the weather, which came to a head on Saturday in the form of a nasty cold. F*ck, my body feels like Ive been hit with a fifty ton truck and pulverized. Id like to say there are bruises but there arent, so youll just have to believe me. I did take one day off last week because I was just hammered from all that moving etc my body started to cave in. I should have taken my weeks vacation time back then maybe. However like I say its hitting me two fold now. Here I am in my pyjamas at lunchtime on a lovely bright Tuesday afternoon, but I wont be going anywhere with this cough.
Anyway, a couple of days from now and Ill be back on my feet, with a fresh paycheck and a list of shit I need to get and start doing to this place to turn it from a place to work and sleep to a home. I really like it here, I will post some pictures of it sometime soon.
04 March 2007
SatSop
I shot this late last year for a bunch of guys who have possession of it and want to do something creative with it. Its large.
Its basically a badly engineered nuclear powerplant which was killed off mid construction by the backers because of its mis-engineering. The site is called SatSop but is known to the local community as "Woops!".
Moving is horrible and I hope I never have to do it again, but thats ridiculous, I know that I will, I just hate it.
Anyway I moved into my new place, which is a gorgeous house in a lovely neighbourhood with a very nice creative and busy lady. Im currently sorting through my stuff and putting it into places out of the way, and starting on the beginnings of what I hope will become my den.
Anyway I moved into my new place, which is a gorgeous house in a lovely neighbourhood with a very nice creative and busy lady. Im currently sorting through my stuff and putting it into places out of the way, and starting on the beginnings of what I hope will become my den.
21 February 2007
Id Like
Id like to meet with you, Id like to talk with you, Id like to see with you, Id like to walk with you, Id like to shop with you, Id like to sit with you, Id like to play with you, Id like to eat with you, Id like to dance with you, Id like to laugh with you, Id like to move with you, Id like to listen with you, Id like to create with you, Id like to move with you, Id like to sleep with you, Id like to be with you. I like you.
15 February 2007
Figures
Y'know I think I might have figured out my street shooting style today.
So I have a day full of errands and no time to do any of them. However I did have an hour downtown between two of them which I was going to wwander around the streets and do a bit of window shopping. During a coffee I decided to sharten my camera strat by about an additional 25% (I like a short strap -good for running), as I got one of those great Domke straps which you can clip off the ends and join them together as a hand strap. Anyway, affter I left, I was feeling pretty bouyant and set off on a quick march around a few downtown city blocks.
Holding the camera in one hand only, I set focus to 5m f5.6 and 250th on the Nokton. I acted fast shooting from the hip and also extending my arm over peoples heads and held the camera out in front of me to grab peoples attention as I aqured them. Before I knew it Id burned through a roll and by teh time I got on the bus I was 36 shots into a third roll. I just know these images are fantastic. Ive been rating Neopan at 800 during the winter and now that its getting bright again Ill start to rate it at 400 again.
Maybe Ill take one of those M3 Leica's we have in work, out for a spin.
14 February 2007
Firgures
Y'know I think I might have figured out my street shooting style today.
So I have a day full of errands and no time to do any of them. However I did have an hour downtown between two of them which I was going to wwander around the streets and do a bit of window shopping. During a coffee I decided to sharten my camera strat by about an additional 25% (I like a short strap -good for running), as I got one of those great Domke straps which you can clip off the ends and join them together as a hand strap. Anyway, affter I left, I was feeling pretty bouyant and set off on a quick march around a few downtown city blocks.
Holding the camera in one hand only, I set focus to 5m f5.6 and 250th on the Nokton. I acted fast shooting from the hip and also extending my arm over peoples heads and held the camera out in front of me to grab peoples attention as I aqured them. Before I knew it Id burned through a roll and by teh time I got on the bus I was 36 shots into a third roll. I just know these images are fantastic. Ive been rating Neopan at 800 during the winter and now that its getting bright again Ill start to rate it at 400 again.
Maybe Ill take one of those M3 Leica's we have in work, out for a spin.
So I have a day full of errands and no time to do any of them. However I did have an hour downtown between two of them which I was going to wwander around the streets and do a bit of window shopping. During a coffee I decided to sharten my camera strat by about an additional 25% (I like a short strap -good for running), as I got one of those great Domke straps which you can clip off the ends and join them together as a hand strap. Anyway, affter I left, I was feeling pretty bouyant and set off on a quick march around a few downtown city blocks.
Holding the camera in one hand only, I set focus to 5m f5.6 and 250th on the Nokton. I acted fast shooting from the hip and also extending my arm over peoples heads and held the camera out in front of me to grab peoples attention as I aqured them. Before I knew it Id burned through a roll and by teh time I got on the bus I was 36 shots into a third roll. I just know these images are fantastic. Ive been rating Neopan at 800 during the winter and now that its getting bright again Ill start to rate it at 400 again.
Maybe Ill take one of those M3 Leica's we have in work, out for a spin.
13 February 2007
Air Superiority
Sure.
So I eventually found a place to live. After getting pretty close to desperate, I eventually happened accross a place. It might be a good location, I wont know until I have lived there for a little while. Summer is comming also which makes the whole transfer and new begining that bit more smooth.
I am cautious a little, about this though. The house is just lovely in a seemingly unbelievably lovely haven that seems quite hidden away from everything else, and it backs out onto Lake Union, so the view is just OUTSTANDING, like face to the glass views of the city. It was the most expensive place I looked at, and I found out that its probably going to be even more expensive then Id originally thought, however, good energy is good energy and that what this place seems to ooze. My roommate is a Miliner (hat designer), nicely rounded and creative, and has a business so its good to be around that kind of buzz. Immediately I got the feeling that I could be myself infront of this woman, and the same with the two people whos house I went to last week, -both houses struck me as being just the 'right' places to live. I had a hard time picking up that phone to call the first house and say that I was going to live somewhere else, so I want to go have dinner somewhere with them, because they were good souls and I want to maintain them as friends. The new house it just too good to pass up, but like I say, I am cautious, and just hope that we gel together well. Our first meeting went extremely well, and I felt very good whilst in the house, and on the way back from going there. I felt a considerable weight being lifted off my shoulders.
Im listening to Cat Power alot lately, that and Niel Young, and everyone knows I have never been a fan of either, isnt it amazing how a change chain reacts and causes something else to occur?
I think Id like to start painting again. Maybe writing and looking for other avenues of creativity. I feel a strange new sensation like breathing new air, and a growing sense of power.
So I eventually found a place to live. After getting pretty close to desperate, I eventually happened accross a place. It might be a good location, I wont know until I have lived there for a little while. Summer is comming also which makes the whole transfer and new begining that bit more smooth.
I am cautious a little, about this though. The house is just lovely in a seemingly unbelievably lovely haven that seems quite hidden away from everything else, and it backs out onto Lake Union, so the view is just OUTSTANDING, like face to the glass views of the city. It was the most expensive place I looked at, and I found out that its probably going to be even more expensive then Id originally thought, however, good energy is good energy and that what this place seems to ooze. My roommate is a Miliner (hat designer), nicely rounded and creative, and has a business so its good to be around that kind of buzz. Immediately I got the feeling that I could be myself infront of this woman, and the same with the two people whos house I went to last week, -both houses struck me as being just the 'right' places to live. I had a hard time picking up that phone to call the first house and say that I was going to live somewhere else, so I want to go have dinner somewhere with them, because they were good souls and I want to maintain them as friends. The new house it just too good to pass up, but like I say, I am cautious, and just hope that we gel together well. Our first meeting went extremely well, and I felt very good whilst in the house, and on the way back from going there. I felt a considerable weight being lifted off my shoulders.
Im listening to Cat Power alot lately, that and Niel Young, and everyone knows I have never been a fan of either, isnt it amazing how a change chain reacts and causes something else to occur?
I think Id like to start painting again. Maybe writing and looking for other avenues of creativity. I feel a strange new sensation like breathing new air, and a growing sense of power.
04 February 2007
Life moves fast
Well its sure as fluck hell on wheels right now. My wife has given notice that we will all be out by the end of the month, and yet none of us has found a place yet. She recons that she has a place lined up and thats that.
I spent the day going to and fro on three places (its extremely frustrating not having a car), and the first two places I saw just blew me out of the water in terms of how entirely fetid and tenement liek they were. I will NOT be looking under the $400 price bracket again. It just amazes me what some people are prepared to consider a home. The on place I went to this morning was owned by a very quiet speaking 50 year old man who sounded very nice and reassuring, but when he gave me skewy address details it made bells ring in my head. Then when I actually saw the place, although on a nice quiet street in a nice part of this neighbourhood, the house itself stood out because it was painted white and built of brick and mortar, the roof sagged in the middle, the 'garden' was a bomb site, and the house looked as though it had been sinking into the ground -I kid you not. I didnt knock as he was waiting for me, and let me in to a livingroom stacked shoulder hight with filth. Filth. Dirty clothes, junk, smashed houshold wares, broken furniture etc, other stuff I couldnt see underneath... I didnt notice a smell though. so he leadeth me round dark narrow coridors like a maze to a wooden plank which was a door to the basement lead me down the stairs to the only clean looking room in the house, an L shaped fifteen foot long room five foot wide and two windows one covered with garden refuse and the other with a small dirty curtain which looked as though it was regularly used as emergency toilet paper. The strange whirring sound loud enough to keep us bellowing at each other was the furnace which took up most of the protrusion of that L shape I was telling you about. Outta there and the kitchen was a pit stop as I saw the blast-on furnaced shift all over the top of the stove and thought ok I want to leave now ASAP. his warm soft limp sloppy handshake churned my stomach and I had imaginings of vomiting.
The next place which was at the opposite end of the street, had just appeared on the radar just hours before, sounded fantastic "big house with quiet respectful tennants, no smoking in the house" so I phoned spoke with a jewish lady and I thought oh great, if they are Jews then they are probably a whole lot more civilzed then that last crater scar I just scanned. Well when I got there, it was a shop for a start, and the back was a wreckers yard, peeling paint and no one to answer the door, so I called her again and she said "oh it was Monday I said monday, and I remember saying I only have Sundays and Wednesdays, but I didnt want to start anything so I just said oh well sorry blah blah etc, so she said one of the other tennants might be able to show me around, and as she said that this guy came out on the porch and I approached him made my self clear and hung up with the lady.
As soon as he opened the door, the immediate look of inside was much more attractive. Appearances can be decieving. As soon as I walked in and went past the pretty part, I was for all the world walking into a hostel in some dingy regularly frequented surf spot or backpackers location in arse hole nowhere. The guy introduced himsself and said that he was also moving out onthe tenth as he was a truck driver, very nice down to earth character, but the fact that he was as stable as a buckaroo made me considerably nervous that I was walking into not a regular house but more a bording house. He proceeded to show me a brown kitchen with sagging counters and a sink full of dishes, with two huge refrigerators, a bathroom complete with naked darts-player showering, and that old familiar feeling of being led down dark narrow corridors dotted with huger refrigerators, and spiraling claustrophobic creaky carpetless staircase into a basement with concrete flooring, wheeled partitions for walls, cardboard boxes and supplies stacked from floor to ceiling and bare lightbulbs fighting for airspace with moths (this is winter so in the summer are the moths replaced by flies?), a heavy duty plastic curtain which covered some kind of a room, Im not sure what. My room was still inhabited and getting to guy to stir was quite an ordeal, eventually when the door opened a silouette appered and grunted leaned his arm up exposing a gratuitous armpit and the only opportunity I would be afforded to see the room, another L shaped room albiet with a slightly higher ceiling, though no lighting, navy blue walls, a high small slit window with a wall maybe a foot away which was the only visible light, a mattress, small television clothes strewen everywhere and a severly bare carpet, the heat in that room which stank of semen, sweat and beer, was un-bearable -this house currently is insanely cold as we have no heating but if heat comes at that cost Id rather sleep in my raingear thanks.
I saw one other place, a studio aka a Bedsit, which was actually very nice on the ground floor of a ten unit building, the space was well cared for warm, (smell free), had a great bathroom and the bed area was also great, like living in a huge livingroom. however, upon application there was a $35 non refundable credit check fee which I didnt have on me, and so i went looking for an ATM, every bloody one in the local area was either out of service or broken and the one Pizza joint I found who would do a transaction came out as denied. So im pretty frustrated, pift off, and feeling rather caught right now, and am fearing that in the next two weeks I might not find anything at all, well anything worth actually living in.
I feel as though the last year of my life has possibly been one of the most stressful times of my life and quite possibly one of those years I would chalk up as being the worst.
I spent the day going to and fro on three places (its extremely frustrating not having a car), and the first two places I saw just blew me out of the water in terms of how entirely fetid and tenement liek they were. I will NOT be looking under the $400 price bracket again. It just amazes me what some people are prepared to consider a home. The on place I went to this morning was owned by a very quiet speaking 50 year old man who sounded very nice and reassuring, but when he gave me skewy address details it made bells ring in my head. Then when I actually saw the place, although on a nice quiet street in a nice part of this neighbourhood, the house itself stood out because it was painted white and built of brick and mortar, the roof sagged in the middle, the 'garden' was a bomb site, and the house looked as though it had been sinking into the ground -I kid you not. I didnt knock as he was waiting for me, and let me in to a livingroom stacked shoulder hight with filth. Filth. Dirty clothes, junk, smashed houshold wares, broken furniture etc, other stuff I couldnt see underneath... I didnt notice a smell though. so he leadeth me round dark narrow coridors like a maze to a wooden plank which was a door to the basement lead me down the stairs to the only clean looking room in the house, an L shaped fifteen foot long room five foot wide and two windows one covered with garden refuse and the other with a small dirty curtain which looked as though it was regularly used as emergency toilet paper. The strange whirring sound loud enough to keep us bellowing at each other was the furnace which took up most of the protrusion of that L shape I was telling you about. Outta there and the kitchen was a pit stop as I saw the blast-on furnaced shift all over the top of the stove and thought ok I want to leave now ASAP. his warm soft limp sloppy handshake churned my stomach and I had imaginings of vomiting.
The next place which was at the opposite end of the street, had just appeared on the radar just hours before, sounded fantastic "big house with quiet respectful tennants, no smoking in the house" so I phoned spoke with a jewish lady and I thought oh great, if they are Jews then they are probably a whole lot more civilzed then that last crater scar I just scanned. Well when I got there, it was a shop for a start, and the back was a wreckers yard, peeling paint and no one to answer the door, so I called her again and she said "oh it was Monday I said monday, and I remember saying I only have Sundays and Wednesdays, but I didnt want to start anything so I just said oh well sorry blah blah etc, so she said one of the other tennants might be able to show me around, and as she said that this guy came out on the porch and I approached him made my self clear and hung up with the lady.
As soon as he opened the door, the immediate look of inside was much more attractive. Appearances can be decieving. As soon as I walked in and went past the pretty part, I was for all the world walking into a hostel in some dingy regularly frequented surf spot or backpackers location in arse hole nowhere. The guy introduced himsself and said that he was also moving out onthe tenth as he was a truck driver, very nice down to earth character, but the fact that he was as stable as a buckaroo made me considerably nervous that I was walking into not a regular house but more a bording house. He proceeded to show me a brown kitchen with sagging counters and a sink full of dishes, with two huge refrigerators, a bathroom complete with naked darts-player showering, and that old familiar feeling of being led down dark narrow corridors dotted with huger refrigerators, and spiraling claustrophobic creaky carpetless staircase into a basement with concrete flooring, wheeled partitions for walls, cardboard boxes and supplies stacked from floor to ceiling and bare lightbulbs fighting for airspace with moths (this is winter so in the summer are the moths replaced by flies?), a heavy duty plastic curtain which covered some kind of a room, Im not sure what. My room was still inhabited and getting to guy to stir was quite an ordeal, eventually when the door opened a silouette appered and grunted leaned his arm up exposing a gratuitous armpit and the only opportunity I would be afforded to see the room, another L shaped room albiet with a slightly higher ceiling, though no lighting, navy blue walls, a high small slit window with a wall maybe a foot away which was the only visible light, a mattress, small television clothes strewen everywhere and a severly bare carpet, the heat in that room which stank of semen, sweat and beer, was un-bearable -this house currently is insanely cold as we have no heating but if heat comes at that cost Id rather sleep in my raingear thanks.
I saw one other place, a studio aka a Bedsit, which was actually very nice on the ground floor of a ten unit building, the space was well cared for warm, (smell free), had a great bathroom and the bed area was also great, like living in a huge livingroom. however, upon application there was a $35 non refundable credit check fee which I didnt have on me, and so i went looking for an ATM, every bloody one in the local area was either out of service or broken and the one Pizza joint I found who would do a transaction came out as denied. So im pretty frustrated, pift off, and feeling rather caught right now, and am fearing that in the next two weeks I might not find anything at all, well anything worth actually living in.
I feel as though the last year of my life has possibly been one of the most stressful times of my life and quite possibly one of those years I would chalk up as being the worst.
25 January 2007
Changes
Well its the season for changes. Yesterday we had the State of the Union address and for anyone who doesnt know what that is, its basically the president telling us everything we already know, and gets a standing ovation for it. Now that Mr Bush is on the backfoot it will be very interesting to see how many ovations he gets...
Anyway, like I said, changes. Changes for me also. I recntly had an upgrade.
So, come the end of the year I 'put it out there' that Id like to be getting some kind of monitary increase for my year of efforts in the workplace, and so, that came to pass as something of a, lets say, wet fart. Needless to say, I got wind of a possible opening elsewhere and dove straight in for the kill on it. Probably the first time in my life where I have so done. I recieved a call from the company and arranged an interview "we would like to see you for an interview if thats possible?", "absolutely. Tomorrow morning first thing?", I wanted the job and with that kind of response I assume they knew it.
With the rest of my current working day ahead, I mentioned it to one of my coworkers, who with a puzzled look on his face shook his head and not quite said; oh shift, if you leave were flucked.. Being who I am and where Im from, when things like that are said, it usually means the boss gets angy and threatens your job or just kicks you out the door, and with that mindset I thought ok well Im done here, so this interview better fucking fly.
The interview came and went and went extremely well, I liked the people and the ethos "ok this is exploritory -we will let you know it a week". They knew my boss well and that made me feel a little uneasy, for reasons I wont go into now. Two days went by and my boss came to me and said to me "rumour has it that you arent happy with the raise", '-eh...no. Im not.' So I got an breakdown of how he came to that conclusion and how the company is a small one etc etc, then I told him Id interviewed and they were offering more money, quite a bit more. On top of what my wet fart had been. So he told me that if I were him I would go to them and take up that offer because he couldnt afford that. -NEXT DAY, he comes in and says, "ok you get more autonomy, you get the same money as the offer and the same benefits, and you get the same time off, I still cant afford it but if you leave now we face the possibility of losing on other fronts." Wow. Nice to feel a little appreciated, also makes me think, do I have to be pushy for upgrades here in the US?
I still havent heard from the place I interviewed in, two weeks ago.
Anyway, like I said, changes. Changes for me also. I recntly had an upgrade.
So, come the end of the year I 'put it out there' that Id like to be getting some kind of monitary increase for my year of efforts in the workplace, and so, that came to pass as something of a, lets say, wet fart. Needless to say, I got wind of a possible opening elsewhere and dove straight in for the kill on it. Probably the first time in my life where I have so done. I recieved a call from the company and arranged an interview "we would like to see you for an interview if thats possible?", "absolutely. Tomorrow morning first thing?", I wanted the job and with that kind of response I assume they knew it.
With the rest of my current working day ahead, I mentioned it to one of my coworkers, who with a puzzled look on his face shook his head and not quite said; oh shift, if you leave were flucked.. Being who I am and where Im from, when things like that are said, it usually means the boss gets angy and threatens your job or just kicks you out the door, and with that mindset I thought ok well Im done here, so this interview better fucking fly.
The interview came and went and went extremely well, I liked the people and the ethos "ok this is exploritory -we will let you know it a week". They knew my boss well and that made me feel a little uneasy, for reasons I wont go into now. Two days went by and my boss came to me and said to me "rumour has it that you arent happy with the raise", '-eh...no. Im not.' So I got an breakdown of how he came to that conclusion and how the company is a small one etc etc, then I told him Id interviewed and they were offering more money, quite a bit more. On top of what my wet fart had been. So he told me that if I were him I would go to them and take up that offer because he couldnt afford that. -NEXT DAY, he comes in and says, "ok you get more autonomy, you get the same money as the offer and the same benefits, and you get the same time off, I still cant afford it but if you leave now we face the possibility of losing on other fronts." Wow. Nice to feel a little appreciated, also makes me think, do I have to be pushy for upgrades here in the US?
I still havent heard from the place I interviewed in, two weeks ago.
15 January 2007
I
Y'know I love comments on my blog.. thats what creates that special twinkle in my eye. Just so that you know.
I have to thank Chuckycheese from weareOKOK.com for giving me the Clark cd, Im a little slow on the pick up of new music -especially other peoples music, Ive always been snobbish like that. I believe that In infallable and that my choice in music is indestructable (I like avantgarde and experimental music, dub, and electronic etc).
I usesd to be the king of finding out the new shit and having it two or three years ahead of everyone else, and I still do to a point except that Ive gone way off down a path of sound that no one else is interested in what I like to bug out to. Plus the fact that NPR doesnt really play music, and I dont have the same kind of access to BBC Radio 4 like I once did and KEXP -though a youth oriented station is utterly fucking shite; commercial radio for a different kind of commerciality.
So with that, all I have left is podcasts and I dont even get the chance to hear those anymore, because Im ebedded in my books and my tech manuals, and writing in forums about how much I hate new digital cameras, or Im developing rolls of film, drinking with friends, shooting with other friends, fighting with my wife who hates me, teching people things, browsing porn on the web, or looking for a new place to live...
I have to thank Chuckycheese from weareOKOK.com for giving me the Clark cd, Im a little slow on the pick up of new music -especially other peoples music, Ive always been snobbish like that. I believe that In infallable and that my choice in music is indestructable (I like avantgarde and experimental music, dub, and electronic etc).
I usesd to be the king of finding out the new shit and having it two or three years ahead of everyone else, and I still do to a point except that Ive gone way off down a path of sound that no one else is interested in what I like to bug out to. Plus the fact that NPR doesnt really play music, and I dont have the same kind of access to BBC Radio 4 like I once did and KEXP -though a youth oriented station is utterly fucking shite; commercial radio for a different kind of commerciality.
So with that, all I have left is podcasts and I dont even get the chance to hear those anymore, because Im ebedded in my books and my tech manuals, and writing in forums about how much I hate new digital cameras, or Im developing rolls of film, drinking with friends, shooting with other friends, fighting with my wife who hates me, teching people things, browsing porn on the web, or looking for a new place to live...
12 January 2007
Big Changes ahead
Tomorrow -well actually later today- is a big day for me.
I had my very first, in fifteen years of shooting professionally, re-shoot. Man, it pissed me off no end I can tell you. Fifteen years of unsullied work, high quality image making is killing me. I have recently gone from shooting digital back to shooting film because I started to mistrust the digital concept as a whole. Now after the re-shoot, I am on the verge of completely detesting digital as well.
Its gone from novelty to scurge. The fact that 90% of my clients now dictate what they want the image to "be" before I have even taken my camera out of the bag, I find to be extremely bad circumstance for the work I am about to take on. Pressure from the outset equals distrust, mistakes and most of all unprofessionality. Having told one client that I shoot only film they were immediately in a more relaxed stance, "I shoot the film, give it to the lab, they process it and then we go through the contacts together, you tell me which prints you want I get them done and you pay me the money". And thats that, end of story. Job done on to the next one. The old ways meant that the crativity was left to the photographer and the machinations left to the labs. There are some jobs Im telling the clients I shoot film, then Ill shoot it digitally, create a disk and send that to the lab and have them produce a couple of nice C-prints from my digital files, at the end of the day they get proper prints even though it took a 'white lie' to get to that point.
Needless to say, that right now, Im faced with a choice, of whether or not to take on a new fulltime job and drop my freelance photography work altogether (well for a while anyway), just so that I can get some kind of financial stability and get my feet on the ground.
Ive been here in the US for two years now, and in that time have gone through the gamut of financial ups and downs, the banks here are appaling, over draft charges were absolutely killing me up until about six months ago. No credit company out there wants to have anything to do with me right now, so i cant use a credit check as a security check making moving into a new place extremely difficult, I cant finance a cheap used car, and everything that I need or want means that I have to save my pennies, which undoutedly get swallowed up in the next cellphone or utilities bills.
So yes, the option of having a fulltime job takes on a new meaning, and is looking extremely attractive right at this very moment of my life.
I had my very first, in fifteen years of shooting professionally, re-shoot. Man, it pissed me off no end I can tell you. Fifteen years of unsullied work, high quality image making is killing me. I have recently gone from shooting digital back to shooting film because I started to mistrust the digital concept as a whole. Now after the re-shoot, I am on the verge of completely detesting digital as well.
Its gone from novelty to scurge. The fact that 90% of my clients now dictate what they want the image to "be" before I have even taken my camera out of the bag, I find to be extremely bad circumstance for the work I am about to take on. Pressure from the outset equals distrust, mistakes and most of all unprofessionality. Having told one client that I shoot only film they were immediately in a more relaxed stance, "I shoot the film, give it to the lab, they process it and then we go through the contacts together, you tell me which prints you want I get them done and you pay me the money". And thats that, end of story. Job done on to the next one. The old ways meant that the crativity was left to the photographer and the machinations left to the labs. There are some jobs Im telling the clients I shoot film, then Ill shoot it digitally, create a disk and send that to the lab and have them produce a couple of nice C-prints from my digital files, at the end of the day they get proper prints even though it took a 'white lie' to get to that point.
Needless to say, that right now, Im faced with a choice, of whether or not to take on a new fulltime job and drop my freelance photography work altogether (well for a while anyway), just so that I can get some kind of financial stability and get my feet on the ground.
Ive been here in the US for two years now, and in that time have gone through the gamut of financial ups and downs, the banks here are appaling, over draft charges were absolutely killing me up until about six months ago. No credit company out there wants to have anything to do with me right now, so i cant use a credit check as a security check making moving into a new place extremely difficult, I cant finance a cheap used car, and everything that I need or want means that I have to save my pennies, which undoutedly get swallowed up in the next cellphone or utilities bills.
So yes, the option of having a fulltime job takes on a new meaning, and is looking extremely attractive right at this very moment of my life.
09 January 2007
I hate Breakups
I think the last few months of my life have been both the most humiliating and yet the most liberating times of my life. Im not one for dramatics, and change really does scare me, and the two were leveled on in spades. however within that, strangely enough, within the chaos of it all, I feel a remote sence of maturity and growth as a person. I know that sounds terribly pompous, and maybe it is, but within that I really believe that something good has come from being squeezed like a grape.
Its unfortunate that the breakup had to be so badly managed, both by me and my other half. She is aware of her emotions and relied on them for these times, and thats the way she needed to function, and for me, if she hadnt have broken us up I probably would have stuck my head in the sand just a bit longer and then eventually done the same thing. I knew it was a bad trip, but whilst your in the car, you just want to keep going...
At the end of the day, its been an emotional minfield for me, she thinks I have no emotions -or atleast I have no emotions that she can empathize with because she recons Im too sensitive and too emotional and than I have no emotions etc.. Truth is, Im probably just like any other male, I get angry and stuff that emotion somewhere where I can hide it, and then I get frustrated, cynical and depressed, generally in that order. The worst part of it is that we are still in the same house, and the same space, and she is extremely hurtful in so many ways. Everyday there is something new to dump out that we shared.
I am looking for a new place to live, but am really nervous about it because I found it reasonably tough to survive in this place which was cheap, now Ive to move all my shift and find something with an infantecimal level of dignity for similar rent which is reasonably close to work. She moves accrross the street because she knows someone who knows someone who is leaving her a nice cheap place in the same block. THAT alone angers me.
Its unfortunate that the breakup had to be so badly managed, both by me and my other half. She is aware of her emotions and relied on them for these times, and thats the way she needed to function, and for me, if she hadnt have broken us up I probably would have stuck my head in the sand just a bit longer and then eventually done the same thing. I knew it was a bad trip, but whilst your in the car, you just want to keep going...
At the end of the day, its been an emotional minfield for me, she thinks I have no emotions -or atleast I have no emotions that she can empathize with because she recons Im too sensitive and too emotional and than I have no emotions etc.. Truth is, Im probably just like any other male, I get angry and stuff that emotion somewhere where I can hide it, and then I get frustrated, cynical and depressed, generally in that order. The worst part of it is that we are still in the same house, and the same space, and she is extremely hurtful in so many ways. Everyday there is something new to dump out that we shared.
I am looking for a new place to live, but am really nervous about it because I found it reasonably tough to survive in this place which was cheap, now Ive to move all my shift and find something with an infantecimal level of dignity for similar rent which is reasonably close to work. She moves accrross the street because she knows someone who knows someone who is leaving her a nice cheap place in the same block. THAT alone angers me.
06 January 2007
Workin it too hard...
So I started getting sticky shutters on my Cosina Voigtlander Bessa R3a the other day. Lost ten possible shots, scared the shift outta me, and now I find it hard to trust the camera again. So sad because its a great concept having a budget version of the Leica out there for anyone to have and use.
Im at the point now, that I will either send it back to CA to have Gandy ship it to Japan and take five weeks doing so, or just trade it and save for a Leica M something so I can get some kind of a foothold in the Leica game, though I would much prefer to just keep shooting with the Bessa, its cheap and is supposed to do the same job for a fraction of the cost. Anyway id feel like a dweeb with a leica body and CV lenses. Personally Im all about the glass, so Id prefer it the other way around, nice glass cheap body....
Bah!
Im at the point now, that I will either send it back to CA to have Gandy ship it to Japan and take five weeks doing so, or just trade it and save for a Leica M something so I can get some kind of a foothold in the Leica game, though I would much prefer to just keep shooting with the Bessa, its cheap and is supposed to do the same job for a fraction of the cost. Anyway id feel like a dweeb with a leica body and CV lenses. Personally Im all about the glass, so Id prefer it the other way around, nice glass cheap body....
Bah!
01 January 2007
Ive never
Had a cold like this one. The vridge of my nose feels like someone hit me in the face with a hammer. You only realize when you have a hurty that you use it more then you thought. In winter my Konk is always cold, indoors with dry heating its gets dry and cranky, outdoors cold and obnoxious. So when I touch it, rub it or pick it (sorry), its an ouch! Weird because to actually touch it on the bridge, it really feels like I broke something...
ANYway... So this guy phoned the store where I work the other day asking about a Pentax K-mount 100mm lens for use on his digital SLR. He came in we chatted and checked out some gear and in passing mentioned something about it not being optimal for his street shooting... -hello? You street shoot?
So check him out bongolia.com his names bongo. he reminds me of a modern day Garry Winogrand just because he seems prolific.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
-I was developing five rolls of film at the stroke of midnight. Man I coudlnt give a shift about new years or christmas or any of those other manufactured spending spree occasions -granted I spent a bit on myself this year, only because I was afforded the luxury to actually do so.
ANYway... So this guy phoned the store where I work the other day asking about a Pentax K-mount 100mm lens for use on his digital SLR. He came in we chatted and checked out some gear and in passing mentioned something about it not being optimal for his street shooting... -hello? You street shoot?
So check him out bongolia.com his names bongo. he reminds me of a modern day Garry Winogrand just because he seems prolific.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
-I was developing five rolls of film at the stroke of midnight. Man I coudlnt give a shift about new years or christmas or any of those other manufactured spending spree occasions -granted I spent a bit on myself this year, only because I was afforded the luxury to actually do so.
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