18 December 2008

Marriage vs Garage

I am a moderate bi man, and I disagree with Pastor Warren primarily and specifically on the point that in his belief in Prop 8, he shows zero empathy for what it is gay people are trying to achieve which is equality, and therefor he cannot impartially represent anything until he has negotiated a resolved for his issue.

Pastor Warren has specifically emphasized one particular aspect -which bears the greatest level of leverage for his side of the argument- on the belief that gay people want only specifically to have exclusive use of the term "marriage". The term marraige being fundamentally an institution between man and woman; the terminology specifically means union between man and woman, which is something which can never be applied within the realm of same sex relations, with this in mind, the gay community must recognize this and forge ahead to find a new term for the same mechanical institution of unity in society. This terminology semantic has become the focus of this situation, and has polarized opinion and changed the focus of the bigger picture which is in fact about general equality, and this is unfortunately now a manifesto being played by both sides.

Gay people do not need to embed on the need for the terminology to be correct, what we need is civil rights and civil union which gives us the express similarity legally, legislatively, and in time, morally to that which is known also known as marriage. We are not looking to change that which is written in stone, we are not looking for marraige, we are looking for that which marraige allows between a man and a woman, to be recognized naturally and freely between two men or two women.

If the resolve of this is to break the stalemate of terminology, then I propose that we as gay people accept a different term for our union, even though it will infact be identical in every way save for the fact that it is between that of same sexes.
In order for progress to be achieved, compromises have to occur. If we can sacrifice the term, and in our strength find a new one, then we will not antagonize those seek to maintain their own values (just as we defend ours) and yet achieve the goal in which we strive to achieve.

Time for change

Two weeks ago I came to an impasse. For whatever reason it happened and I made a seemingly split second decision to re-educate myself, within my discipline, but to get myself back into some kind of fluid state of mind and to break the cycle which I seem to have become entrapped.
Re-education, albeit my choice is mild, however I wonder if it is a microcosm of the bigger picture of the life I have come to exist in... My move to America, and my witness to the change from the familiar to the beginnings of a new way of living for Americans. A life of conservation, shared wealth, distribution of assets and a new time of creativity and invention. A new time, for change.
Elements of transformation are occurring around us consciously and seemingly out of our direct control as individuals, however en-masse we have created everything we see happening around us; the destruction of corporate empires which were built on the belief by the few that the way to achieve success is to streamline and singularize groups of employees into homogenous working environments, similar in theory to commun-ism...
However, with all power comes greed and corruption. We let the intellectuals command the actuaries and the actuaries command the accountants and the accountants command the lawyers and the lawyers get high on the echoes of their own immediacy and the accountants make sure the lawyers are happy by passing the figures on to the actuaries and the actuaries keep the traders informed of the numbers and the numbers swell and heave in a fantasy greedy mass of progress and interests and business... 'and its all fun and games until someone loses an eye' and in this case the cyclops eye is plucked and the one eyed monster is no longer king in the land where we have all had our eyes closed...
So the bough breaks and the economy falls, and all the safe-guards and insurance measures backups and escape pods haven't been maintained becomes somewhere along the way the night-watchman was invited into the party even though he's paid to watch the door..

Most of my adult sentient life I have lived in the luxury of economic growth and posterity. I am 36 years old as I write this, I live in Seattle for the last four years and before this time I lived all of my life in Ireland. Until I was about 16 or 17 years old I had vague recollections of collieries (coal mines), a staple existence in the UK, closing and falling over like a houses of cards, the radio constantly on and the television, pouring bleak news of union leaders who fought seemingly endless wars with parliament. Margaret Thatcher & Ronald Regan and starwars anti missile defense systems, and everyday there were two punishment beatings and an assassination or an attempt in northern Ireland. I dont even remember the Irish news because it was all so dark and deathly, falkland war, nuclear threats, job losses, neighbours drinking themselves to death, depression dark dark dark... and the news from America was Dallas, Tube Socks, Oil, Sunshine abundance and the hemorrhage of young minds and hearts from Ireland to the UK and to America.

Things are different now, but really they are going to fit into a similar pattern again soon. You mark my words, -it'll happen. I feel like I walked past someone once a long time ago, a man on a street corner who said something like this, and I thought that he was a crazy old fuck..
..now its your turn.

20 November 2008

Leibovitz

I went to see Annie Leibovitz last night for a lecture in Seattle last night. At once I believed that I was again in a funk with myself because I walked away unsatisfied, its the second lecture Id been to in two months, albeit the first one was pretty stale and the work was very un-fulfilling. My immediate feeling is one of wanting more. I wanted to ask questions but handing cards to ushers before the event is not conducive to creative questioning on matters involving the lecture you have just heard..

However, my biggest complaint was with myself, and it wasn't last night, it occurred in my sleep and woke me up at 6-am this morning to tell me that I left my balls in desperation alley somewhere back on skid-row.. I dont know what has happened to me over the last three years. I was married, I was gelded by the woman I was to spend the rest of my life with and Ive been cowering in the shadows ever since..

Anyway, when I heard Mrs (I dont think she ever married, but I believe that if she was afforded the luxury of doing so, she would have, and for that reason I bestow upon her the married status of Mrs.) Leibovitz, tinker on last night about her working life in moderate detail she obviously had quite the run of luck or perfect timing for certain things to happen in a sequence of events which lead to cumulatively wider avenues of creativity inspiration and opportunity.

Ultimately, and what woke me up this morning, is that I was on that path, in its infancy, but I was there, and I was in a position to shuffle large blocks of chance around me like they are jellies on a plate, and for one reason or another, pulled back and retreated into the darker recesses of my life. I am prone to depression and I am my own worst enemy, I know what I need but for some reason I just cant seem to put the two together and make the shit happen for myself like I can for other people. ultimately I just cant -despite my best efforts- think of my own life objectively.

I think, ultimately Ireland gives us the belief that you must rely on other people to give you opportunities, and America makes you understand that you have to make your own opportunities. And yet within saying that, I see my friend who is obsessed with networking and schmoozing around people of influence like a slug in snot, believes that his opportunities will come only from knowing the right people. I think that may be part of it, but I think that this is something which should come as part of, your working life not necessarily exclusive of.

Anyway, Im hoping that I can get my head together and make a positive move soon because I fear if I dont, I will be stepping further into desperation.

18 November 2008

0/0

I went to the Safeway which is close to my work, for the first time this evening. I had thought about going to the shops after my day out yesterday and upon entry of my QFC turned my back and walked out because the price of butter had gone up more than 85c in one week, and it made me think that it was time for me to go elsewhere. Ironically a woman stopped me on my way out and asked if I was willing to participate in a quick customer satisfaction questionnaire.

So the Safeway experience was more than I had bargained for. Yes I saved money, actually quite a bit. However, the whole experience was quite daunting and quite depressing. What I gained in one hand I lost in the other. 0/0.

There is a different psychology in there, pokey, over heated, barrage of audio nonsense, over zealous use of cleaner, and the most aggressive spot lighting I have ever seen in anything other then an amusement fair. Starchy, under saturated, low fiber rich in monosodium glutamate.

Homeless, poor, overweight, unkempt, uncared-for, unkind, lost, lonely and unloved people. Men who have the divorced look, lonely men, poor men, sad men, sad women, over prescribed, under appreciated statements of a society on the edge of fucked. Its that horrible taste you cant seem to get out of your mouth despite your very best efforts, until eventually it dissolves away in a shot whiskey or if your lucky a glass of house red.
What is most disturbing, is the fact that this a legion of people, an entire generations load of human detritus. And we who transcend it are responsible for it as much as those who have transcended us.

In stark contrast to this I spent the afternoon walking around the University Village, an outdoor mall catered with upper-middle-class, social climbing, aspirations to grandeur, nouveau-riche, wannabe couture shopping, lavishly embroidered with a swathe of stay at home wives and Ugg-Boot wearing teens. Save for the fact their own levels of personal hygiene may be somewhat, considerably more, obviously, detectably, improved. That and the lack of raised voices, there is not much of a difference between the Safeway crew and the Universally Villaged.

10 November 2008

Film Superiority

Im so out of the technology scene now that its just not funny. When I was in about a year in the camera shop where I work, I started to bear a distaste for the frivolity of the digital camera scene. The market, the marketing, the product and the lack of quality gave way to all things which are the opposite. I went from owning the top of the line professional digital camera to a lowly manual camera which shot film. two years later Im still shooting film but I bulldozed that camera and eventually ponied up to the level of quality I was missing all along, and bought a Leica. The stuff used to be very expensive but in comparison to any decent digital SLR now, its almost on par. However thats where the similarities end.
So Canon and Nikon introduce updates to their gear and they are all song and dance routines. Colleagues from other camera retailers show me the gear and what it can do etc and its all shit. Its complete shit. Really; take a step back from the ownership and pride and look at what you just spend three grand on. 20mp and 14bit tech isn't even a scratch on the surface of what currently excises or for that matter what has excised for the past 20 years in film technology -pre 20 years ago sure, there is comparisons there.
Kodak just announced new film. I got two rolls shot it and experimented with it up and down the scale. It scans with a clarity and a scale which blows digital technology off the face of the planet. It costs $4.49 a roll and cost me $3.50 to develop it without prints. Its called Ektar 100, oh and if your hard drive crashes the negs are OK -and they are waterproof too.

05 November 2008

03 November 2008

...sounds a lot like

Just got this from Channel 4 news (UK) in my inbox;

"I have spent the past days here in America swinging across seven key states. There is an exceptional sense both of excitement and paranoia in the air. Let me deal with the latter first.

There is a fear in many states of both fraud and theft in the voting process. One of the reasons that people have voted early in so many places - it has been possible in 34 of the 50 states - is the fear of complication.

In Atlanta I found a voting machine that had mysteriously ‘failed’ knocking out a thousand votes. I found early voting queues where people had still not voted five hours after they’d joined the line and the authorities were refusing to extend the voting time to include them."

Ok...
what is going on in this country? This is the USA, ok for most of us the USA means Coke, Levi's, etc, aka the epitome of western-ism. the benchmark for freedom etc etc
So when I read this kind of commentary, it makes me think of a country in turmoil, which makes me think of Zimbabwe, Congo, S.Ossetia, or any number of other countries in conflict or turmoil -take your pick; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_wars_2003–current

What is going on here? (I seem to be a little disadvantaged actually living here apparently, because I cant seem to see the wood for the trees), tell me... are we at war here in the US? I dont mean American foreign policies (Iraq), I mean within the shores of the US, Homeland Security, internal spying, etc etc -Ive become sick and tired of hearing about people complaining about it (albiet mostly only people over the age of 50, because the pre fifty year olds have MTV on too loud or have the Youtube/America's Next Top Model/Lost[sic]/[insert any current inert gaseous brain-filler here] Headphones on), but I also need to hit myself over the head and wake up to it.

I need to come up for air, take a gasp of reality and maybe even make it back to shore...





*this rant has been sponsored by someone somewhere

21 October 2008

The Grey Room

I built a darkroom, well its not really a darkroom its a grey room because its where I now work all of my film. I finally bought heady duty shelves which I am using as benches for developing, and chemical mixing, and on the other side will be the light boxes and the negative archiving, sorting and cataloging. THe scanning of course is still tied to the computer which I am trying to ween myself off a fifteen year dependency.

I am basically substituting one computer for another and hoping that the computer in my head will be as much entertainment as the one in front of me has been for the last half of my life. I am actually cheating here in that I purchased an iPhone and that now fulfills the email cravings and some of the eBay dependancy. Its also that handy calculator, GPS and map in the pocket amongst also being a "walkman".

Anyway its the first piece of technology I have purchased in a few years and I am feeling good about now living in the US and not being totally and utterly sucked into consumerism.

I just wish there wasn't so much sugar in everything though...

12 October 2008

the older I get the more lost I become.

At least when I was a kid I rebelled, and in my twenties I had something to say. Now I have nothing much to say but still feel the discomfort of conformity. It doesn't help when those you choose to spend your time with condemn you for it either.

08 September 2008

Ouch!

I put my back out. aka hurt my back not by actually doing anything other than getting film out of the fridge in work.
Shit.

11 August 2008

In a ditch.

I wanted to drop a few lines about how much I feel I have grown negatively away from the heartbeat of the world. Familiar things seem unnaturally abstract and the realisation is discomforting. Simple every day things, food, bus tickets, money, people on the street, everything has changed, its still as expected but there is change within that and its unsettling. I prefer to be in control of these changes, like if I moved to another place, then I could expect a change and deal with it. This however is different and uneasy. There is more to this then I can write about now.
However this morning I read the lines of a friends of mine, a man who actively disengages himself from communication with me periodically and whether he knows it or not has always been mind boggling to me. However, the method of delivery is not important, what is, is the message, and I find out that he is active and flowing again. We are the same, he and I. The cycles are small and frustrating or large and eventful right now he is fluidic where as I am in a rut, and I believe I have been for some time.

11 July 2008

Permanence

Thursday July 9 2008, I came home to find a bulky plain white envelope which I immediately assumed was another piece of mail from my favorite unsolicited friends. For some reason I opened the envelope in the front room usually I grab and take it up to my office.
Inside I could see instantly that this was a renewal Permanent Residency card which assumed was for another year whilst the rest of my application for permanent residency was being processed. However upon further inspection I saw that the car was valid for ten years. The accompanying letter was a welcome to the United States of America as a new permanent resident.
So effectively, what I believed was to be a long-winded potentially desperately futile attempt to secure permanent residency in the US haas in fact come to full fruition with expediency which I had not expected.
This has far reaching implications for me, I can now travel outside of the US to visit my family, I can also now plan ahead, I can make purchases of items larger then my pockets will allow, I can buy a car, and now I can finally look for a new job.

I also won two hundred feet of Fuji Velvia 100F Slide film on eBay, so Im pretty happy this week.

08 July 2008

Its all just in and out y'know

Dressing up life with the filler, hobbies drinking etc its all just dressing on the fact that we all want to fuck eachother. Ill fill your holes if you fill mine.... and for some, babies need to happen.
All the other shit is just garnish, in the end we all just want to be fucking eachother all the time, everyone, all in a big hot sweaty cauldron of slimy boy and girl cum.
In fact Id like to be there right now.

01 May 2008

Media as Entertainment or Education, and Choice.

I was sitting having my lunch in my usual lunch place today when the manager who was also on her break and sitting beside me and her other regulars, sighed and with a tardy look on her face grimaced and said to nobody in particular "why is it that they print shift like this?". She was referring to a news item about a person who was hit and dragged under a bus on a street nearby. The reaction of those in the immediate vicinity was to make little of it. So I asked her what her issue was with the information, and her reply was that she didnt want to know about shift like that and that it was too gross to think about and that they didnt need to write about it. Hers is not the first time Ive witnessed this kind of response to news delivered in a graphic nature. People I work with, and people close to me have had this numbness and lack of interest in acknowledging the fact that they are part of and have a direct or indirect relationship to everything. So I asked this manager why she was reading the newspaper in the first place? Her answer was to get up and walk away.

I often wonder about either the intrinsic incapability to deal with the most basic sense of responsibility, or the lack of desire, and what is in that belief structure and how it occurs. I often wonder about those who cannot deal with graphic news of things which occur in the world in which we contribute to directly and indirectly.
I believe it is easy and convenient for us to blame the media, even though we are the ones the media is in existence for. It is my firm belief that it is a cyclical pattern driven by fear of change, in that we dont care because the media doesn't care, and apparent peer pressure. The media is channelled by what is socially acceptable and what is socially acceptable is in-turn generated by a desire for acceptance. Acceptance for Identity is quite possibly a major factor in this. Acceptance issues are very apparent here in the US, and in most modern first world nations where there is a large population of converging ethnicity. Identity has a direct correlation to social acceptance, and the media -just like society- is dependent on that acceptance of credibility and sociability. Certain countries, (France jumps to mind), have evolved significantly differently in that theres is a population of inclusion, and with that comes awareness and social responsibility from the ground up. Every man woman and child has a direct sense of being plugged into their world. France is known for fast moving political climates, opinion, resolve and as a side-effect also known for its civil disobedience.
Unfortunately the intelligentsia transcend themselves indefatigably from one form of oblivion to another and become so distant from the 'proletariat' by their inane sense of disclosure within very limited spheres of influence in the incredible belief that communication and discussions between their own echelons is the antidote for problem solving en masse, therefor follows the cyclical mechanism of elitism.

This whole concept ties in somewhat with my burgeoning belief that the level of choice in the US is now having a detrimental effect on society, nationally and globally as American culture is mirrored across the globe. Freedom of choice, in its current environment, is very attractive in an immature and short sighted way in that the appeal of choice is somehow linked psychologically, with a sense of control and power, however, interestingly enough, these freedoms of choice which are available to us are as much chaperoned by the very fact that the choice has already been made for you by the lack of real options open to you in the first place.
With choice is responsibility; responsibility to offer the right elements for choice meaning; that the 'elements' are equidistant in design and cover the gamut of possibility over an equal and shared horizon, or to put it simply the options for choice cover the broadest spectrum from black to white and back to black again. Also, choice is responsibility to accept the knowledge of conviction in someone's ability to understand what it is they are choosing and why it is they have that choice in the first place, meaning its vital for us to know why there are four choices and that those choices cover the scale completely and that we know why we have these choices and also we know why we are making the choice in the first place.

You have been a wonderful audience, thank you and goodnight.

27 March 2008

Undertakers lover Overtakers.

Seattle loves to overrate the underrated....

As for me.. time for change.

03 January 2008

545

the new year begins, as does a new future..